Thursday, July 21, 2005


What's so bad about thinking? I call it being conscious.

A friend just lost a friend, and one of the reasons given was that her friends (me among others) are just too analytical. We never stop.

I have friends that avoid me just because they're too tired or too ... happy? to dissect their lives day after day after day after day.

But that's what I do. It's what makes me feel alive and my life seem real. If I go too long without soul-searching, it's like I'm fast-forwarding my life, so there's no sound, no emotional attachment, no ... storylines to follow.

And as I've said before, I'm all about storylines. I'm all about finding the stories that make up my own life. I don't think life inherently has meaning; I think we create it. And if we're not creating it, we lose the opportunity to have it mean something.

I admit sometimes I get tired, and I just want to be zen-accepting of the moments as they come. And to be really honest, I'm that way more than anyone would believe. Mostly because I've so integrated the meaning-making that it's no longer an effort.

Those are the good days.

In the darkest moments, it's agonizing, but made valuable because I know that pain without meaning is just animal reaction. Pain with meaning is growth.

And so I grow. And trust me, the shooting pains are sometimes the very best stories. As long as they have a point.

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