The past has thickened into a fog that cuts off my perspective yet again.
These issues...these questions about how to balance the focus on what I need and what a boy needs -- moving forward with my own work and leaving room for intimacy... they're all wrapped up in two traumas from my past -- my father and the man who broke my life into before and after.
Although these things are to some extent discrete, they bleed into every other relationship. Some more than others.
Life presents me with an opportunity to heal through repetition. This time, I have more stability, but the circumstances are the same: Meeting a boy with a broken heart, he falls in love despite himself, but he's still conflicted, she comes back into the picture, there's a decision point, and because I am the ideal and she is real, the choice is always clear: He goes with the King's Daughter 'cause Aphrodite was never his and he could never live up to a god.
Yet, I'm not a god. Just a girl with a father who built a big black hole where love should be.
And being alone is safe. Being codependent is easy. The rest is academic.