Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Defending the Defense

Locked and loaded. Date set. Shotgun procured, and I am wed to the thesis.

The committee is signed on, belted in, and I have yet to belt one back. And won't until February 3, after which it will all seem a bad, bad dream.

Okay, it's not nearly that bad, but despite the fact that February is a matter of blinks away, I have no idea how everything that must get done between here and then will happen. Of course, I do. One step at a time. Hopping from rock to rock with blinders on inbetween so that I don't fright like a skittish horse.

Despite my outright terror, today went great. The committee met and feasted (and I do mean feasted) and talked through the data, the story, the methods. And for the most part, I felt a strong sense of what I'm doing, what it means, how it will get done. The problem is that it's too big and scary to carry around in my head all at once, so I can only think about it in tiny pieces, which leaves me feeling scared that I don't have the big picture. But today, for an hour and a half of grace with people I trust and value, who genuinely want me to succeed and want to help make it easier (or at least less tortuous), I knew what it all meant and what I had to do.

Tonight, with library late notices and recalls piling up like newspapers on a hermit's porch, I'm feeling the pressure still. But it's okay. It will get done.

It's a good thesis.

A good process.

A good committee.

And life again is filled with grace.

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