Indecision

 What am I good at? What do I want to do? What don't I want to do?

I'm at the juncture where I could do multiple things, but in some ways, the possibilities start to narrow as you get more years of experience doing something. 

I'm nervous about being used, being manipulated, being taken advantage of. And for all those things, I think I can be saavy and ultimately can be ready to walk away. 

I'm nervous about being the last man standing on a crumbling hill. But there's also the possibility to build something good, if I can fill in the holes that -- admittedly -- are yawning chasms right now.

But I believe in this work. And I love it. And I'm well suited to it. And I'm the heart and soul of it, and if I walk away, it most assuredly WILL crumble, even if rebuilt with a different vision -- maybe better -- later.

The politics is ugly and getting worse. But my team is getting better. I'm getting better. And it's an endlessly interesting puzzle. 

And did I mention that my work and my heart and soul have fused? For better and worse. 

So when do you walk away? And into what? And is it just my fear of what I don't know and haven't experienced that is overpowering my instinct that I'm being misused? Perhaps.

Or maybe there's nothing better that suits me. 

This space is so uncomfortable, full of fear and uncertainty and mistrust of myself. It's hard to see myself right now. I don't feel grounded, and I don't trust anything I know. Everything I think I'm good at doesn't seem to serve me fully when I need it most. But isn't that always true? Some challenges are bigger than your skills. 

And talk about first world problems! Wah, I got offered the promotion I wanted, but not quite in the way I wanted. And maybe my work situation isn't exactly what I want it to be! Poor me! I've gotten lots of good validation from people around me who I do respect and trust when I made the decision to walk away. Will they respect me less when I stay?