Changes

 After 10 years, I decided tonight to change jobs. 

What I do is a big part - perhaps too big a part - of who I am. So this change is monumental. And I'm sad and angry and grieving. But it's also like getting out of a bad relationship. You can't want it more than you're wanted. Your love does not make up for them not loving you. 

And I will miss my team. And the plans I tried to put in place. I can't quite see how any of it will come to fruition now. Not that I'm all important. Just that I was the last strand of glue holding it all together. And now that I can see that I cannot keep holding on, I see how futile my holding on was. One person is not a system, much less a system that's workable, effective, or sustainable. 

There will be other big efforts and things to build and grow and nurture and contribute to. 

And I'm excited to have a partner at work again. The new job - if it pans out like it's shaping up to look - will still be a little bit of everything I love. The difference will be that I'm valued. And not asked to do it all with no tools or resources or leadership or backing. 

And part of me is wanting it all to crumble when I leave so that maybe they'll see and regret how they treated me. But that's not going to happen, since none of what I built was what they wanted. 

I feel the worst about leaving good people behind without cover or leadership or a plan. They'll be put to work, doing something, and I hope it's what they like doing or that they find other things. Everyone is hiring right now. It's bonkers. So many good jobs out there. 

And to the public who thought I only wanted the worst? Good luck with the next one in my shoes. I hope you go more gently on them. 

My hope is that I can take time between now and Christmas to just be home, focus on myself, exercise and listen to Brene Brown and do an inventory of what I want, what I'm good at, what I'd like to work on, what I need. And next. And enjoy my family. And rest. And grieve. And nurture a new seed of hope to plant in my next opportunity. May I grow stronger roots and broader branches. May I catch more sunlight and breathe more deeply.