Interesting that life moves with or without you.
After falling apart, everything seems to be coming together again, and I feel ... adult.
At home in my own skin, I guess. I've lost a lot of expectations and false pressure to have certain things at certain times of my life. For this moment, I'm just where I am, with no thoughts for the future. I see only a few tasks that lie straight ahead -- a steady concentration toward my thesis topic -- finding my place at a new job -- and settling into friendships that have been peripheral for too long.
My next major area of learning is around asking for help. I've had to be an adult from a very young age, but part of me knew I was faking it, or that it wasn't fair to ask of me in the first place. So some small someone in me wanted so much to BE an adult so that I could finally get a childhood. Doesn't quite work that way, but tell that to the undeveloped 5 year old in you! And mostly what I want out of the childhood is the right to ask for help. Just being free from my own expectation that I have to do everything myself or risk being vulnerable or risk being rejected. So I realized just this week that I don't need to be a child, I just have to practice asking for help and letting that be okay. Trusting the people around me to say yes or no based on their lives and their boundaries. Not letting it be about rejection or acceptance. Letting it be okay not to be competent in every area. Admitting when I can't do it myself. Letting someone see that!
Whew. I'm getting all nervous just thinking about that! But what I've learned about my life in the past month is that I have plenty of heart-friends about who would do anything they could for me at the drop of a hat. All I have to do is let them know I need it!
So here's me telling the world: I need.
Now was that so hard?