I've done enough racial equity trainings now that I've fully embraced the difference between intent and impact and accepted the responsibility for my impact on others.
I was recently in a meeting where these came up, and someone pushed back on the idea of owning your impact, saying, essentially, not my fault if you're a snowflake and got your little baby feelings hurt.
In the moment, I was floored and didn't even know where to begin explaining a whole paradigm of power dynamics in a system of oppression that argues for accountability for intent and impact and how you analyze/react to others' behaviors. It's only when all actors take responsibility for their parts in a situation that you can break the cycle of oppression, victimhood, and complicity. (Arguably the three parts in Karpman's co-dependent triangle of conflict.) As with most things, "yes, and" is the answer here. Yes, a person must take responsibility for their response and their feelings, AND when you hurt someone, even unintentionally, you say sorry.
Robin DiAngelo (?) described this dynamic with the analogy that if you step on someone's foot and they say ouch, you don't say: "But I didn't mean to." You say, "I'm sorry I hurt you." (My kids are learning this one... slowly!)
I'll take this analogy a bit further, which is to say, all things being equal, the person who is stepped on should speak up to say "ouch." But if the person stepping on your foot is your boss, or a policeman, or the president of the United States, or you're a person from a non-dominant group and they're in the dominant group, there are reasons you might not feel free to speak up. There are power dynamics in play.
The other person should be compassionate enough that if someone winces when they pass by, they might ask, "Did something just happen?" or "Are you ok?" opening the door for the other person to say, "Yes, you just stepped on me" and giving the other person the opportunity to say, "I'm so sorry I stepped on you!"
Courage, Compassion, Connection - rinse and repeat.
So what are some resources that can help explain?
- Robin DiAngelo's White Fragility
- Intent vs. Impact: A Formula for Better Communication
- But I didn't mean it! Why it's so hard to prioritize impacts over intents - Scientific American
- "If you say something and you make someone feel seriously uncomfortable, it’s now on you to give serious consideration to why that person might feel that way. That’s how empathy and being a nice human being works."
No comments:
Post a Comment