I've gone from never carrying a balance on a credit card to feeling really good that we have ENOUGH credit left on the credit card to get through the next month.
Not because we don't earn enough but because my husband, as an independent contractor, cannot seem to psychologically handle invoicing.
And I get it. I have the opportunity to apply for a promotion at work, and I'm paralyzed. I've known for days, and I can't seem to get past the initial questions on the application. There's something that kicks in about worthiness and having to prove it with a job application or an invoice or a summary report of your monthly activities. We want to be appreciated and loved for who we are, not what we brag about on paper. And maybe we feel entitled, too. We're awesome; why can't they just pay us for that?
But after four months of no salary coming in, it's worse than scary. It's crazy-making, rage-inducing, marriage-wrecking awful. Not sure we'll survive even when the crisis passes. There's just so much trust that's been lost and so much of my faith betrayed, wracked up like the credit cards with no minimum payments.
Anger the only dividends.
We barely touch anymore. Laugh infrequently. Parenting and Hulu about all we share.
I might be more sad about that if I wasn't so angry all the time. And tired of being angry all the time.
I want to be saving money for a house addition, and instead we're tens of thousands in the hole.
Invoices would put us right but not ahead. And once we do get paid, we will likely owe much of it in taxes. Which I'm happy to pay.
Maybe it will be enough to plan a trip to Chicago and Michigan this summer. Maybe all will be right in a matter of another month, and I can breathe again and unknot the pretzel at my core.