Before this year, there haven't been many reminders throughout the year of my actual age. This year, there have been almost daily reminders. As though I am supposed to be realizing something. Arriving somewhere. Preparing for something.
I feel balance. Most days I remember to feel grateful for all that I have, for the ease that comes with privilege, for the commitment to use that privilege to help others. Most days I find moments of play between the hard work.
I find time for the unpleasant tasks that help clear away the real and mental clutter: weeding, poop pickup, dishes, laundry. I sewed on a button for the first time in decades!
I give time to the church. I take time for yoga. I have had lunches with friends. We take time for Sunday night dinner with my mother.
I am very aware that we live on a knife's edge; car trouble, health issues, the miraculously still-working washer and dryer finally falling prey to their age... stress will come tumbling down to knock me off my balance and feeling of well-being. Still, I know I live more often in balance than in my younger days, and that feels like growth.
I race toward the end trying to integrate the first instinct toward breath when stress comes. I try to practice trusting others (even when I could do it better, even when they don't do it the way I'd prefer, god forbid). I try to show gratitude toward my partner (he's my partner; he's my family) more often (and focus less on all that he does that ANNOYS ME).
It is a blessing that more awareness of my age keeps the imperative of growth in front of me. I must make space to keep grounded, stay balanced, be able to breathe and play and support others.
