Vespers video ideas

 We Don't Know - Strumbrellas

We've Got You - Vienna Teng

Level Up - Vienna Teng

One Moment - OK Go 

Being Present (poem) by V.B. Price

 From  Innocence Regained: Christmas Poems

So much is missing now,
so much is taken from us.
We define our lives by absences,
by cannot-haves and contradictions,
by choices impossible to choose.
And oh our opal sufferings,
the pining for our fantasies --
the lovers, absolutes, utopias --
that ever have come true.
Heavy with our vacancies,
possessed by what is not,
we are not present at our lives,
but locked within discrepancy
until some shock, some generosity,
a living moment absolute with evidence,
penetrates our absences,
turns us inside out
and presses us against
the simple presence of the world,
and we feel inside us
what is all around us,
give ourselves to what is there,
a relief so deep
we know ourselves for what we are:
totalities of moments
that have to be enough.

(1976)

Moving

You get to be 49, and you realize there's not TOO much more time to shape your life. As the kids get older, more independent, and, perhaps most importantly to MY freedom, start driving, I am trying to imagine/goal/habit my way into a new ratio of time. I am inching my way to more activity - more yoga, bike riding, tennis. Turns out moving my body moves me. 

And I am not yet satisfied with my strength, my endurance, how much I push myself. In all other aspects of my life, I push 95-100%. Why, with my activities (which I LOVE and find FUN), do I hover around 60%?

My friend told me this week that overachievers need to build their skills to give 80%. Care but don't push into the red, no need to call up reserves, exhaust yourself and others. 

And so I don't need to work out 4 hours a day, or even an hour every day. But adding a little swimming, a little tennis, a little more biking, maybe daily dog walking... that's my goal. And walking the dog and listening to Chief Inspector Armand Gamache learn/teach life lessons? It's all so good. So sweet. 

I have been successful in doing more puzzles. Listening to my books and doing puzzles is kinda my best life. Or doing a puzzle with my friend (puzzle dates? YES!). After my daughter's birthday at our house, where a small group ended up finishing the puzzle I was working on, the family decided to do puzzles at Easter. 2 tables, 2 groups, a little competition. So great. 

And yes, all of this is a little ostrich-head-in-sand, given the dumpster fire of our country and the world right now. 

But the question of -- what grounds you? What brings out the best in you? What do you give your time/energy/attention to? And not having the answer be: raging at what I can't control. 

Maybe this is a little resting up before the storm. Getting ready to get called up. Ready for the movement. 

Miracle Fish (poem) by Ada Limón

I used to pretend to believe in God. Mainly, I liked so much to talk to someone in the dark. Think of how far a voice must have to travel to go beyond the universe. How powerful that voice must be to get there. Once in a small chapel in Chimayo, New Mexico, I knelt in the dirt because I thought that’s what you were supposed to do. That was before I learned to harness that upward motion inside me, before I nested my head in the blood of my body. There was a sign and it said, This earth is blessed. Do not play in it. But I swear I will play on this blessed earth until I die. I relied on a Miracle Fish, once, in New York City, to tell me my fortune. That was before I knew it was my body’s water that moved it, that the massive ocean inside me was what made the fish swim.

Quote - Robinson Jeffers

“We have enjoyed fine dreams; we have dreamed of unifying the world; we are unifying it—against us.”

Professional Journal

I'm attending a conference in Denver. In a session on power dynamics, the presenters made the suggestion to journal about where you are in your career - how you feel about interactions, the ways people hold open doors and lift you up, the ways people keep you out, hold you down. Over time, you can remind yourself what you felt - what others might feel - in similar positions that you are no longer in. 

I realize I resent when my bosses ask me questions to prepare for a meeting but then don't circle back to tell me how it went, what next steps are. I am sure I am guilty of that. I resolve to do better.

A co-conspirator in another office asked me why I think my Achilles heel is being hard to approach. I was thinking of more junior staff, but she was thinking about decision-makers. She thought my institutional knowledge of what we've tried and what doesn't work makes me quick to say no. I shared that my frustration in those moments is that I'm usually only asked yes or no questions - will this stupid / crazy / infeasible / hard solution work? As opposed to... here's what we are trying to do / accomplish / solve / influence - what are some ways we could get there? What would make it easier, more feasible, politically tenable, wise? And ... I'm a little guilty of that myself. But I don't think fully. I think I try to hold space for people to be creative, help problem-solve, bring their expertise to bear on the challenge. I spend a LOT of time in every meeting giving context, the big picture, the scope of the challenge, the factors at play. Maybe I need to be more explicit that I do that to provide openings for people to offer a different way to achieve the goal, approach the issue, improve the outcome. 

I wonder how open my team is to the ways I want to push things forward / reorganize / take on new efforts. Do I do these enough? Too much? Too fast? Too scattered? Do they know what I'm trying to do, or do they only see random things change that either barely affect them or disproportionately burden them? Do my bosses know what I am doing? If I don't tell them it's either because I think they won't care or that they will care and will try to stop me or interfere in unhelpful ways. Do my staff feel the same about me?

What about what the public sees? Do they know enough about what we are doing? Trying to do? Intentionally not doing? What is right level of transparency that builds trust and support but not backlash?

If trust comes first, and everything is interpreted based on trust levels (and psychologists say that's true), then all the good intention in the world - or even expertise - is not enough, and more time needs to be spent on the front end building relationships so that what we say - what I say - is seen in a good light. That they give me, us, the benefit of the doubt. Otherwise, we can come up with the best ideas in the world, and they will be rejected out-of-hand. 

Do I spend enough time building relationships? 

• We have staff meetings every other week that start with a personal icebreaker - what is bringing you joy? what are you looking forward to? what are you grateful for? (personal or professional) - and ends with kudos, the chance to thank people who have stepped up or rocked it or gone over and above.
• We have monthly potluck birthday brunches or taco lunches. This is social time and a time to share - food and time and celebration of each other.
• We have monthly brown bag lunches where we watch a lecture and then talk about it. 
• I have weekly check-ins with direct reports.
• I check in every other week with my supervisor. 
• We have team lunches every year with each team and the "bosses" - me and my supervisor. 

What else could / should I be doing?