Purgatory

We are in the middle of a house renovation to make our master bedroom and bathroom bigger and add a sunroom (read: yoga space!). 

That's the good news. The bad news is that we've been sleeping in our living room for 6 months. It's ... fine but starting to grate on us. 

All the living room furniture is in a pod out in front of our house, along with bedroom detritus that we didn't need at first, but eventually... you need your stuff! (First world problems, yes, it's true...)

I'm trying to stay grateful for what we DO have - another den where we can still hang together as a family, fun family bed conversations and kids wrestling on the new king size bed, a robot vacuum cleaning the floors while I do a puzzle... and on and on. 

So life goes on, and the practice of being ok where you are, how you are, settles deeper into my bones. 

What I will work toward

On the morning after Trump was elected President for the second time, I am trying to find my courage and resolve. 

I will work to understand what people voted for. What do they want that they believe he can provide? And if it's a return to white supremacy and the violence of exclusion and racism, I will work to understand the fear that drives that anger. I will work on releasing the fear that drives me to reject difference and focus on what connects, what softens, what embraces. 

I'm hearing the quote by civil rights activist Ruby Sales from the podcast On Being that I keep returning to:

How is it that we develop a theology or theologies in a 21st-century capitalist technocracy where only a few lives matter? ... What do you say to someone who has been told that their whole essence is whiteness and power and domination, and when that no longer exists, then they feel as if they are dying? ... I don’t hear any theologies speaking to the vast amount — that’s why Donald Trump is essential, because although we don’t agree with him, people think he’s speaking to that pain that they’re feeling.

...Where is the theology that redefines for them what it means to be fully human? I don’t hear any of that coming out of anyplace today.

There’s a spiritual crisis in white America. It’s a crisis of meaning. We talk a lot about black theologies, but I want a liberating white theology. ... I want a theology that begins to deepen people’s understanding about their capacity to live fully human lives and to touch the goodness inside of them, rather than call upon the part of themselves that’s not relational. Because there’s nothing wrong with being European-American. That’s not the problem. It’s how you actualize that history and how you actualize that reality. It’s almost like white people don’t believe that other white people are worthy of being redeemed.

It is okay to be white. It is not okay to be white and wield disproportionate power to exclude non-white people and disavow past injustice that led to the inequality for BIPOC today. 

It strikes me that I've wasted time not learning how reconciliation worked in Germany after the Holocaust, or in South Africa after apartheid. On a micro level, I'm thinking about Brené Brown's emphasis on boundaries being the prerequisite of compassion.

We can't want what's best for someone different from us unless it's clear that there is space for each of us to thrive. 

And I want America to thrive as a place that believes in one person, one vote. How radical that seems in this dark moment. Justice and freedom for all. Not some. Not those who win. All. And not just freedom to oppress but a promise that rights will not be abridged. The land of opportunity. 

I will work for systems that promote justice. 

I will work on softening myself to stay open to connection and love. I will look for the good in everyone. 

I will practice calming myself and acting out of a boundaried place that leaves space for everyone to thrive. That is the American Dream I believe in. 

Special Meetings

 Life has gotten busy again. Teaching, working, mothering, and churching. I've said yes to things that serve me or that I can serve through skills I enjoy. All good things. 

And yet, they've coalesced into 2 months that feel more than full, a little frantic, a little frenetic, a little too much. 

Last week, I didn't do yoga AT ALL. !!! Not good!!!

"Rise up and hear your calling..." we sing in church. Yes, ok. But can my calling pace itself a little?

Good lord. 

And in the meantime, "I am grateful for the winding road that brought me to this place," the choir leader has us sing. 

Yep, so grateful for all these opportunities. I am. And I'm trying to remember to take things one at a time, just in time, and let that be enough. 

It's a lesson that my kids actually have learned, somehow. They are both really good at choosing where to put their effort, giving themselves permission to skate through some things, get Bs, do just enough - or let what they do in the time they have be enough. I remember my mother trying to tell me that it was ok to get Bs. (And then try to tell me I couldn't do my homework in front of the tv. I told her when I didn't have straight As, then she could tell me to turn off the tv. That never happened.) But the lesson never stuck. 

Today, our community minister reminds us that in the everlasting now, we are joined by all other beings in their search for meaning and purpose. And... even better news ... there were many who came before and many who will come after. (So take a breath, keep perspective, and do what you can. Let the rest go.)

And so, a special meeting that was a to-do for me turns into a meeting of past and present doers, who all hold the flame.

How does life get better?

In the spirit of trusting the great AI in the sky, I typed in "does life get better" into Google search bar, and the first response was a Reddit forum "AskOldPeopleAdvice." Yessssssss.

Here are some gems:

"It does get better but you have to look for the positive things. You have to work at being happy. No one tells us this. We are conditioned to believe that happiness is something that just occurs or happens to us but it doesn’t." - Maxwyfe

"It gets much, much, MUCH better. As you get older, you get more agency over your life. You free yourself from toxic parents or stepparents; you finish school; you get some kind of job and have some freedom because you have your own source of income. ... I am your grandpa's age and I am so, so, SO much happier than I was at your age. And every decade, it got better. I promise you. Try to look for the joy, to focus on the positive. And see if your college offers therapy--that's what made the biggest difference in my life." - ThaneOfCawdorrr

"I have sought therapy three different times when I was struggling, choose my friends very carefully, and try to find things every day to be grateful for. It's not always easy, but I want to enjoy my life as much as possible. It's not that things really get easier or harder, but rather that life is always changing. Probably the three best things you can do for yourself to stay positive are to:

• exercise everyday, 
• choose your friends carefully, and 
• don't compare your situation to that of others." -- emu4you

"It gets better when you work to make it better. I know that's probably what you don't want to hear. But most of us go through that mid-20s slump where it feels like we're hemmed in on all sides. What things will fix it? What do you have to do to get there? Don't worry how long the journey might take. Do you want to be 5 or 10 years older with nothing to show for it, or do you want to be 5 or 10 years older, having achieved your goal? The time will pass no matter what you do. Most of the big wins in life come from being willing to play the long game, and sometimes that means taking a few hits while you're heading toward that goal." - nakedonmygoat

"Does life get better? Yes but not how you think, it stays the same but you get so much better at dealing with life. Stuff that would have broken me in my 20's doesn't even rate me noticing it anymore. You learn to live in the moment, to enjoy the good moments because you know how precious they are. You know how strong you are and what you can survive, because you've survived it. It's a little like weight lifting, that barbell you could barely move when you started out at the gym, gets so much easier to lift the more you do it. Being in your 20's sucks, but hang in there because you're 30's are around the corner and it all gets so much better, your 40's are going to rock and every decade afterwards will just get better." wwaxwork

"I’m 55 and my life is SO much better than when I was 24.

My advice:

1. Make genuine human connection your top priority. Read the book “How to Be Yourself: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety”. Even if you don’t have social anxiety, you might find that some of it resonates.

2. Regularly exercise outdoors for mental health. The benefits are too numerous to mention but combining movement, daylight, and nature has more proven benefits than any pill or therapy. I do rucking, which is just walking with weight in a backpack.

3. Read the book Tiny Habits for practical, well-researched approaches to change. I use these with myself and my clients.

4. Reflect on what kind of person you want to be, and start acting as if you were that person in little ways. Remind yourself of who you want to be every day." -- OffbeatCoach

Self regulation vs. Emotional regulation

 https://connectedfamilies.org/equipping-kids-calm-self-regulation/

Self-regulation is the ability to monitor and manage your “arousal state” or energy level. 

More specifically, it means being aware of your energy level (and basic emotions) that result from either external experiences and/or your internal thoughts. The next step is choosing strategies to adjust your energy level for the most effective response. 

Energy self-awareness + healthy coping strategies = SELF-REGULATION

Emotional regulation is when you understand, evaluate and even problem-solve what you are feeling.

Emotional regulation involves the skills to answer these questions (after you are calm):

• What am I feeling?
• What thoughts or beliefs are driving those feelings?
• What is a wise course of action? (i.e., let it go or ideas to solve the problem)

Energy self-awareness + healthy coping strategies + emotional insight = EMOTIONAL REGULATION

self-awareness → calming strategy → emotional insight

“Motion changes emotion.” 

Sensory activities do two important things: 

• They use up the big muscle fight-or-flight chemistry so that it doesn’t feed an ongoing anxious state.
• They tap into the miracle of our sensory systems to signal an “all-clear.” Life is calm and pleasant, so the danger must be over.

There are 3 kinds of self-regulation:

• Cognitive: Observing and challenging unhelpful thought patterns.
• Emotional: Noticing and feeling emotions without letting them take over.
• Behavioral: Choosing intentional behaviors instead of reacting impulsively.

What causes the inability to self regulate?

The most common circumstances under which self-regulation fails are:

• when people are in bad moods, 
• when minor indulgences snowball into full blown binges, 
• when people are overwhelmed by immediate temptations or impulses, and 
• when control itself is impaired (e.g., after alcohol consumption or effort depletion).

What is dysfunctional self-regulation?

1. underregulation, which refers to the inability to contain emotional experiences sufficiently to engage in goal-directed behavior, and 
2. overregulation, which occurs when emotion regulation strategies are used to consistently stop emotion experience from unfolding 

Resources:

• Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, researcher John Gottman, Ph.D. 
• Emotional Intelligence, psychologist Daniel Goleman 
• My Grandmother's Hands, psychologist Resma Menakem
• Somatic practice

Kamala Harris - Favorite Books

"[I]n October, Kelly Jensen asked all of the 2020 Democratic presidential candidates about their favorite books. Harris, she notes, was the first to respond with her list—a good sign. 

Here are her stated favorites:

Richard Wright, Native Son

Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

Amy Tan, The Joy Luck Club

Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe

And in a 2016 Facebook post wishing readers a happy National Book Lovers Day, Harris added Barack Obama’s Dreams From My Father."

LitHub

Permission to Feel - Marc Brackett, Ph.D. (Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence)

Website

Podcast / YouTube

Brene Brown - Unlocking Us Podcast

Strategies when you are feeling overwhelmed / out of control (emotion regulation):

1. Mindful breathing
2. Forward-looking strategies
3. Attention-shifting strategies
4. Cognitive-reframing strategies
5. Meta-moment

Mindful breathing: "helps us calm the body and mind so we can be fully present and less reactive or overwhelmed by what's happening around us"

Forward-looking strategies: "anticipate something [that] will cause an unwanted emotion and either steer clear of it or modify our physical environment"

Attention-shifting strategies: "we can temper the impact of emotions by diverting our attention away from its source... turning on the TV, walking away from a stressful encounter, or repeating a positive phrase to ourselves."

Cognitive-reframing strategies: "analyze whatever's triggering an emotional experience and then find a new way of seeing it--essentially, transforming our perception of reality as a way of mastering it."

Meta-moment: "a tool that helps us act as our best selves would, as opposed to reacting (and overreacting) to emotional situations."

Judith's question: "What if I were 5% better than I am?"

Me: The poster about "dealing with a problem" on our door

Me: Brene Brown podcast on space between stimulus and response (quote attributed to Viktor Frankl)

"In the chemo room, I wear mittens made of ice so I don’t lose my fingernails. But I took a risk today to write this down." (poem) - Andrea Gibson

Whenever I spend the day crying,
my friends tell me I look high. Good grief,

they finally understand me.
Even when the arena is empty, I thank god

for the shots I miss. If you ever catch me
only thanking god for the shots I make,

remind me - I’m not thanking god. Remind me
all my prayers were answered

the moment I started praying
for what I already have.

Jenny says when people ask if she’s out of the woods,
she tells them she’ll never be out of the woods,

says there is something lovely about the woods.
I know how to build a survival shelter

from fallen tree branches, packed mud,
and pulled moss. I could survive forever

on death alone. Wasn’t it death that taught me
to stop measuring my lifespan by length,

but by width? Do you know how many beautiful things
can be seen in a single second? How you can blow up

a second like a balloon and fit infinity inside of it?
I’m infinite, I know, but I still have a measly wrinkle

collection compared to my end goal. I would love
to be a before picture, I think, as I look in the mirror

and mistake my head for the moon. My dark
thoughts are almost always 238,856 miles away

from me believing them. I love this life,
I whisper into my doctor’s stethoscope

so she can hear my heart. My heart, an heirloom
I didn’t inherit until I thought I could die.

Why did I go so long believing I owed the world
my disappointment? Why did I want to take

the world by storm when I could have taken it
by sunshine, by rosewater, by the cactus flowers

on the side of the road where I broke down?
I’m not about to waste more time

spinning stories about how much time
I’m owed, but there is a man

who is usually here, who isn’t today.
I don’t know if he’s still alive. I just know

his wife was made of so much hope
she looked like a firework above his chair.

Will the afterlife be harder if I remember
the people I love, or forget them?

Either way, please let me remember.

Andrea Gibson